Tips for a Satisfying Sex Life with Your Wife

A satisfying sex life is one of the most challenging issues for a wife of a cross-dresser. Even a marriage built on love is challenged after many years of marriage when it comes to sex. For women, the need to have sex dwindles as she enters menopause when her interest in sex becomes an afterthought.

satisfying sex between crossdressing husband and wife

This lack of interest in sex is normal for most women, unless they are taking hormone replacement to amp up their sex drive. Many women hesitate to do so as they are afraid of the potential side-effects of cancer from hormone therapy. So sex doesn’t become a priority for them.

For men, it seems sex is always on their minds, even as they get older, it is still something they desire. And, for cross-dressing men who often come out later in their marriage as to being a cross-dresser, the excitement of being able to dress with their wives, is as invigorating as the sex, itself. Like a teenager in puberty, they are excited about the possibilities after having kept their secret for decades from their wife and now finally having a partner to share with. Their new-found enthusiasm can be overwhelming for their wives.

A wife and her cross-dressing husband are now in a different realm, where the wife may be content with less sex, yet her husband in exhibiting her femme self wants more. And for a wife who is already mildly interested in sex, having her husband hop into bed wearing a silk night gown and a Marilyn Monroe blond wig, is a turn-off that causes her anxiety and fear of losing her husband. Often her cross-dressing husband is so delighted to be in her femme role, she often doesn’t take the time to find out what sexually stimulates her wife.

Most women do not have sexual fantasies of having sex with a woman. Not that it’s not totally foreign to their psyche and yes, some women have lesbian fantasies, but their main sexual drive is with a man. Making love with another woman (the femme side of their husband) is a lot to ask from your wife after many years of being together and never having done it. You have just changed the rules of the game.

So how do a sexually under-whelmed wife and an adolescent-charged cross-dressing husband make their sex life work?

Here are some tips for a satisfying sex life:

Tread slowly with your cross-dressing when seducing your wife. Introduce her to your silk panties wearing a man’s tee-shirt, allowing her to know that you are still there and she hasn’t lost you to “another woman” she doesn’t know. Give her time to get used to you wearing panties and other female items, so she can create a new visual of you that turns her on. Sex is a private experience of the mind and she needs to find her own mental fantasy of the new you. She may never share what that is, but that’s okay, as long as she is turned on.
Respect Your Wives need to have sex with you in your male role. You don’t want her to ever feel like she has lost you to “her.” She needs to know that you are still the husband she married. If she feels secure of this, she will become comfortable as you add in feminine clothing.
Don’t encourage her to dress sexier to reflect your feminine self. How you dress in your femme role is your choice, but don’t expect your wife to change her style to reflect yours. Love her as she is and she will love you back, panties and all!
Remember to keep your wife as the primary woman in your relationship. Don’t allow your femme self to upstage her as a woman when having sex, for sure.
Don’t ask her to seduce your femme self. Seducing another woman is foreign to women. They just don’t know how to do it and it makes them feel very uncomfortable to be the one taking the lead sexually. Few women do it effectively.

A healthy sex life can be incorporated into your marriage. Give your wife time to adjust to your femme self and be respectful of her needs, both outside of and inside the bedroom. Show her that you are still the man she fell in love with, not a stranger in a dress.

Be sure and read parts 1 and 2 to this series and check out more articles from Terri on her blog, Shades of Gender

10 Reasons Cross-dressers Wive’s Divorce Them

Unexpressed Anger Kills Marriages


9 thoughts on “Tips for a Satisfying Sex Life with Your Wife

  1. 8/30/18:
    Looking for answers and support, I ran across this article-I found it to be impelling but wanting to find more.

    First may I point out some points made I feel are incorrect. Referring to your comments; “For women, the need to have sex dwindles as she enters menopause when her interest in sex becomes an afterthought.
    This lack of interest in sex is normal for most women, unless they are taking hormone replacement to amp up their sex drive. Many women hesitate to do so as they are afraid of the potential side-effects of cancer from hormone therapy. So sex doesn’t become a priority for them. For men, it seems sex is always on their minds, even as they get older, it is still something they desire.”

    I totally disagree. I’m 54 my husband 60. I’ve gone through early menopause about 10 years ago. I NEVER received hormones, for I thought risk was too high, and by body adjusted well without them. But, I frequently FEEL the URGE to have sex, and my husband does NOT. Sex is very important to me and almost non-existent. It’s not just the euphoric feeling and the need to replay it, but the intimacy between two who love each other. It’s special to me. I guess that’s why I stayed a virgin until the right man came around.

    In regards to our sex-life; to me, my husband seems disinterested, or has inability to fully become aroused and stay long enough to have a sexual moment. I don’t really know the reason. Is it ED or something more emotional or psychological? Sex for us when we were younger, was quite the opposite. We joke about it now being “payback time.” Back then, I was interested in sex, but not all that often. I did what I did many times, to be the “good wife, and please my husband.” I feel those feelings I had, may have stemmed from feelings of inadequacy or the sexual abuse in my childhood, that I still struggle with. I’m wondering in his CD, if he too is struggling with the sexual abuse he experienced?

    My husband and I have been married since 1985. Three years prior we dated, total of 36 years we’ve known each other. It was not until 2017, my husband confessed he loves to dress in women’s clothes and its “comforting “to him and then a short time later, the sexual abuse he experienced. When I asked him if he was gay-he denied it, became upset, and still does when the subject is brought up again. I’m not sure if he is and won’t admit it, or if it’s truly a fetish and I need to “get over it and move on”.

    Every day I do my best to love and support him. But deep inside, although I love this man to the “moon and back,” I still feel angry, heartbroken, that the man I married and trusted all these years has “betrayed” that trust. I feel inadequate and in competition with another “woman”. Most of all, I feel alone, embarrassed, ashamed, fearful, and at my wits end. How could I not know? Why can’t I accept this and move on. It’s no big deal right? At first, all I thought about was, “poor me.” But now, I think about his feelings-he is not a strong communicator with sensitive issues. But I guess neither am I.

    I have depression and low self esteem, deeply seeded as part of my upbringing, and this latest confession, had made those inadequate feelings, more powerful, like adding gasoline to the fire. I need help with his desire/need to CD. Not just someone telling me, “go read a book on coping with it.” That’s how my mother handled sex education with me, “go read a book about it.” It’s so degrading, impersonal, selfish, and cold. I’m trying to save our marriage, understand and support a man I loved for decades. Why should I accept reading a book, as my acceptance? Who is there to support me and my feelings, rather make me out to be the “bad wife?” I feel left out and alone.

    I don’t want another “woman” around. I don’t get aroused with the idea of having sex with a “woman”, nor do I feel comfortable, aroused, or willing to add his CD to our sexual role play in the bedroom-it’s not for me.

  2. Bob, thank you for taking the time to comment here. I appreciate your prospective on the subject of TG/TSvversus CD. Actually, my blog Shades of Gender and what I write here on SH is meant to address the spectrum of the TG communities which includes the CD, TS, and non-conforming gender individuals. This is the spectrum and many in these groups have similair challenges and issues. As far as my marriage to my ex, I never said I divorced him because of his cross-dressing/fem role. I stated the opposite. We had many other issues that contributed to our divorce. I have never played a victim in my life and would never blame my ex for me staying in a dysfunctional marriage too long. Yet, I have been on a journey to learn more about crossdressers and the TG communities as their gem voice is very strong. I don’t have all the answers but sincerely want to keep the open dialog going.

  3. Ms. Ryan , having come across your site while trying to sort out my feelings about this issue I noticed a lot of comments that I don’t think are grounded in reality and other comments by yourself and others that are erroneous or just not supported by the facts.
    My first comment is directed to Dooley’s comments on T-girls. Dooney, I don’t mean to criticize you for your comments but have some issues with them. First of all this is a blog on Cross dressers, not T-girls or trannys.
    They are not one and the same and your comments on t-girls have no bearing on this topic.Even so , i appreciate your willingness to contribute to the table and would like to add to it. The reason a t-girl hasn’t transitioned yet is because she can’t afford the surgery yet , or is afraid that after surgery she will lose the sexual feelings that she has . Others are just comfortable keeping what they have but they still want a man to be with and belong to just like a regular woman . The reason a lot of true T-women are embarrassed about their genitalia is because they identify as a true woman mentally , physically, in their mannerisms , their mindset and their daily life . They want to be and live as a woman . the problem is that for many that item between their legs is something they wish wasn’t here.
    They have every desire to be intimate and be sexual, loving and playful but
    have issues with attention being paid to their penis unless they feel very,very secure with their male partner and even then some still have trepidation about that area of their body or guilt for still possessing it because it is the one reminder to them that they are still not a complete woman. Some get over it and live full lives with their partner and some don’t
    In your desire to have a relationship with one you are basically asking her to take on the role of a lesbian or a cross dressed man. This is the very antithesis or opposite of what they want.
    I also don’t agree with you that they should be recognized as their own gender .( And ,yes I know you mean that in the best possible way) They simply want to be recognized as a woman because they feel in almost every way they are women. If what you mean is they should be able to be proud and speak candidly in situations about being transgendered at work or with friends if they want to without fear of reprisal or guilt , yes I agree.
    I would also say that in some ways a lot of women could learn a few tricks
    about keeping their man from a transsexual woman, especially one who has fully transitioned. They are more loyal and loving then a lot of regular
    women are . They dress not only to please themselves but for their man , not just to empress other women in a competition like a lot of women do. They are more willing to participate with a man in the same activities he likes. And they don’t carry a bitchy (i”m right and you are a shithead) attitude for two days because they just can’t get over themselves . They never get PMS. They don’t think the world revokes around them and because of it a man is going to be more attentive to them .I’ll bet that some can even put air in their tires a fix a leak in the sink. What’s not to like here

    It also seems to me that maybe you have been missing the boat by not looking for a man that is a a part time CD. You could have the best of both worlds by having a man that is loving,supportive, manly(not macho) and is attentive to your sexual needs and desires most of the time and other times is sexually confident enough to put on a cute skirt and heels and
    indulge you in your other fantasies without trepidation,shame or judgement.
    I know you can find that special person if you look .
    As Far as Ms.Ryan is concerned I have some issues with statements you make since you seem to be an authority on this topic.
    You say when women enter menopause their interest in sex goes away.
    So that’s some kind of excuse? There are drugs you can take for that . Also you don’t mention what happens when women have gone thru menopause and the kids are out of the house .The reality is most women start to come into their sexual prime and are more open to new experiences
    especially if they are widowed or divorced. Men on the other hand are not always so eager for sexual contact or are experiencing erectile dysfunction
    It’s said at least 40% of men over 45 experience it. There are drugs to help cure it but without the loving attention of a supportive & understanding woman woman it’s an uphill battle.

    You mentioned that you divorced because of your husbands crossdressing
    If it was such a problem for you and ended in divorce was this really the only issue or was it a control issue? I’m not trying to be critical here but I
    am having a problem understanding why if this was such a cataclysmic deal breaker for you to end your marriage of how many years why the hell
    are you devoting so much time to discussing it and actually offering advice to men on how to approach it? It seems to me that if you did this much introspection on your own while you were with your husband the outcome might have been different.Having asked that , I still do appreciate the fact that you have put this up for discussion rather then under the carpet so
    everyone can realize that this doesn’t need to be a deal breaker in a relationship if dealt with on a honest level.

  4. Dooney, I think that most male cross-dressers identity with both genders, male and female, yet want to remain a male, as you said. There is much more to a cross-dresser than a “dress”, of course and they have a strong femme side that needs attention. I think there are all shades of gender in this community with some exhibiting their need to dress as a freedom of expression while others at the other end of the spectrum really dressing and living as a woman almost full-time, yet not wanting to transition, as they still believe they are a man first but like their femme role better.

  5. Thank you Terri for creating a forum for discussion without harsh criticism of individuals opinions. I’m finding my feelings changing over the last year. I had always assumed that (t)women all had the desire to fully transition. I’m finding those who choose to do this are in the minority. Most that I have met and dated, are not into fully transitioning. They want to keep that masculine part of themselves while fully exploring and experiencing their feminine side. I can understand that. It’s that wonderful combination that defines them, and I wouldn’t want to change that at all. I find the generalization of calling them women to be somewhat disrespectful. They possess the delightful essence of both male and female and should be revered as such, and not grouped with one gender or the other.

  6. Dooney, thanks for your insightful comment. Interesting that you think that a T woman should be a different gender. I hadn’t look at it this way, I wonder if they do.

  7. Juju, thanks for your comment. Happy you are accepting of your husbands’ cross-dressing. Certainly, whatever works for you both is a successful sex life. It’s different for everyone.

  8. I can fully understand how Juju feels. Being bisexual, I’ve had relationships with both, woman, and (t)women, (yet never at the same time). Being with a woman is a totally different dynamic and not for everyone.

    I went through menopause naturally with the help of a Chinese Practitioner. My sexual desires have only increased. However, I have found sex with (t)women quite dissatisfying. From my experience, many choose to ignore their genitalia, which limits sex greatly. Most, well…actually, all that I was involved with, either dating or relationship wise, eventually communicated a desire to be with men or to be forced to be with men.

    It makes me wonder if after decades of oppression, if some men are finally finding themselves and are coming out in droves. They like to be femme as we do and have sexual desires that have been stifled.

    I don’t agree with grouping them with women as a gender. I feel that they have come into their own and should be treated as such. And with respect. Eventually, hopefully, they will be recognized as their own gender and afforded all of the rights they deserve.

  9. sorry, NOT interested in having sex or playing around with husband in make-up and wig. CD is not an issue, but I dont want to have “a woman” in bed. PERIOD.

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