A lesbian relationship between cross-dressers and their wives continues to be a major issue in their marriage as they attempt to acheive a balance in their relationship . Some cross-dressers suggest their wives are lesbians as a means to justify their own femme role in their marriage. Yet, this is a dangerous path for couples to take if they want to save their relationship.
Do cross-dressing husbands really want their wives to be lesbians? How would they feel if their loving wife ran off with another woman? Not too happy, I imagine.
First of all, I don’t believe that most men when they finally admit to their wives that they are a cross -dresser with a feminine side, really want their wives to be lesbians. Cross-dressers are mostly heterosexual and married to a heterosexual woman. The union was one of love between a hetero man and woman.
Yet, I have heard from a number of wives that their husband, once they were “out of the closet”, have suggested that perhaps she is a lesbian. This is confusing for wives who have spent years with their husband being his female lover, raising their children and building a life together. It is a selfish and devastating to hear this from their mate.
My ex-husband after dressing in his femme mode a number of times during our marathon martini phase, said to me, “So you like women, yes? You are a lesbian, right?” I was stunned that he would make this wild assertion as I never gave him an indication that I preferred women. Obviously, if I did I wouldn’t have married him. Yet, somehow me liking women made his cross-dressing more acceptable. I was the one who needed to change my behavior and embrace him as a woman.
At first I thought it was the booze talking and played along with what I believed was a harmless sexual game. I was up for the challenge and thought perhaps this was a way for us to incorporate his cross-dressing into our sex life. Being a romantic, this role playing felt odd, yet I loved my husband and wanted to make him comfortable in his femme role. When he dressed, I became more of his girlfriend than his lover or heterosexual wife. He actually liked it when I became the aggressor, as he favored being pursued.
After a number of times doing this, I felt like I had lost my own femininity, as I was not getting anything out of it. My ex-husband was having a great time. I was miserable and found solace in drinking pitchers of martinis. I felt like a sex object which made my husband’s cross-dressing even more distasteful because I had lost respect for myself.
I wondered who I was and what was the role I now had in my husband’s life. Because I had allowed this game to progress, I was caught in a web I didn’t know how to get out of. My husband really thought I was into this game, which turned out not to be a game at all, but rather a shift in our relationship from a heterosexual one to a lesbian.
He even pointed out women to me and asked if I was turned on by them. I am sure if I was attracted to women and acted out on it, he would have been devastated. Yet, actually I wonder if he would have joined in. All I can say is our sex life and marriage was a mess after this role-playing which became a norm for us. One day after waking up to a horrendous hangover, I told my husband I was NOT a lesbian, I never was a lesbian and I didn’t want to continue this dangerous game we were playing.
He said I lied to him about being a lesbian and that I didn’t like him dressed up as a woman and that he would not do it again. His screaming made me feel as if I was the one with the issue. Of course, I didn’t cause this break in our marriage, he did. But, somehow he made it my fault I didn’t want to live with a cross-dressing husband as a lesbian! He pouted and didn’t dress for a year, at least in front of me. I am not sure what he did in private on one of his business trips.
What is critical with cross-dressers is that they take responsibility for their own issue with their gender identity. It is not anyone’s fault that they were born this way and there is nothing wrong with being a cross-dresser. But, they have to make it their mission to better understand who they are and how they see their cross-dressing fitting in their life with their wife before they bring her into their cross-dressing world.
My marriage never recovered from this “lesbian phase” we went through. We were both angry. I felt abused and he felt neglected and lied to. It was a loss-loss for both of us. I know for sure, I am not a lesbian, but I always knew that. It didn’t take my cross-dressing ex-husband to clarify it for me.
Originally posted on ChicagoNow/Shades of Gender