I am the wife of a cross-dresser and you need to understand my perspective. An Ambassador put out a challenge to write an article about being the SO of a cross-dresser. What I hope to accomplish by doing this is to help other SO of cross-dressers and to help cross-dressers and transgender women to understand what it is like for us. My introduction to transgender was actually a little while before I found out about my husband. I found out a music instructor I had when I was young recently came out as trans. I was so happy for her, and I could see how happy she was. I shared this info with my husband, never knowing he had a secret of his own.
Ten years I met and fell in love with my soulmate. I met him at work, he was strong, tattooed ex-football player and ex Air force. We had an amazing relationship. We got married had the honey moon, we were incredibility happy. We had our ups and downs over the next couple of years.In September of 2016, I was home recovering from back surgery. I was cruising around Facebook and discovered my husband had a Facebook account, which he never told me about. I confronted him, I noticed he was friends with his ex, so I got curious. He had an external hard drive he wasn’t using, so I hooked it up. I found out more info on the other woman, but that has nothing to do with this article. I also found a file with body measurements for slips and undies and whatnot. They were not my measurements.I couldn’t figure out who they belonged to. I went outside to get some air, I was looking up at the stars and it hit me. They were his. I laughed and got really confused at the same time. How do I handle this? Do I confront him or figure out a way to let him know I was OK with it.
We were sitting in bed a few nights later trying to figure out what to watch, we came across the show “Transparent”. I said we should watch that, it looks interesting. He had this look on his face and I blurted out “R u trans gendered?” He asked me if I wanted him to move out. I said no. He said “I am in love with women and their clothes”. Shock set in. Keep in mind our relationship was already strained because of his emotional infidelities. He explained that he just gets an urge to dress, mostly nylon and silky things and bras. He had been doing this since he was young and this is what had ended his first marriage. He said no one knew , this is a secret he always kept to himself and would dress sometimes when I wasn’t home. He told me how he would buy stuff then get scared and throw it out. I felt so sad for him, that for his entire life he has always had to hide a part of himself. I told him he doesn’t need to hide it from me anymore.
Everything had me overwhelmed. I gave it a few days and wrote down some questions for him to answer, one was “can I see u dressed?” he said yes. We were in the bedroom, he had me close my eyes, when I opened them, there he was with a bra on. It was too small and was all twisted on the sides, so I got up and fixed it and told him he needs a new bra. The way I thought of it was this is a fetish. I figured out later that it was much more.
Time went on, we restocked some of his feminine clothes. I noticed that on his days off he would wear women’s undies. He would seem so much more relaxed and happy when he would wear them. One day I was using my epilady on my legs, I jokingly asked him if he wanted me to use it on him, he said “sure” I told him it hurts and some of the hair may not come back, r u ok with that? he said “yes, r u?” I couldn’t understand why go through all that just for something he did only once in a while.
Again, time went on. I started getting irritated sometimes when he would wear the women’s underwear. It was almost like “no, I am the woman, u r the man!” I stuffed alot of feelings down. I was mad at myself for feeling angry sometimes, or jealous cuz I was like, ok, I get a period with really bad cramps and bloating, my boobs hurt, I don’t wear thigh highs. I even felt it was a little sexist, he was wearing stereotypical clothes , heels and all. I taught him how to do his make up, bought him a dress. Meanwhile, I just wanted to be supportive and accepting but, inside I had all these conflicting feelings. Someday I was fine with everything, then the next day I wouldn’t be fine. We discovered cross-dresser heaven, he joined then I joined. I joined the group just for SO’s. I read the stories of the other girls that had the same emotions and feelings I had.
It is a confusing thing to have a SO who cross-dresses. You wonder why they do it, most of the time they don’t even know why. Why the silky undies and sexy bras? The excitement they feel and comfort they feel, why? I don’t know. I know sometimes the anger is cuz I married a man and if I wanted to marry a woman I would have. I know that sounds petty, he still is the man I married and he just likes to get in touch with his feminine side. I get jealous cuz he gets to buy a pretty dress and I don’t. I feel irritated cuz sometimes I just want to get lovey dovey with my husband and when I start to get frisky I discover he is wearing panties. and it is a shock which sometimes kills the mood, even though the shock is diminishing quickly.
It’s been over a year since I found out and the only thing I can say is “I am in love with a husband who is in love with women’s cloths” We have been lucky that with all the things that happened at the same time, we r still together. I am happy that our communication is getting stronger, I am able to open up to him more about how I feel and I think that is the most important thing for anyone out there going through this, a SO of a cross-dresser/trans gendered needs to be able to tell their partners how they feel and know it is ok, all the emotions us SO’s are feeling are real and we need to be heard and we need to know we are still loved and the most important person in your lives.
We also, need to be able to be the only woman in the house sometimes. But, sometimes it is fun to have girl time. My husband is my best friend, lover and big-hearted , I consider myself very lucky that we found each other. We have had hard times, ups and downs and everything in between, and I would go through it over and over because he is worth it. I also have sadness sometimes. When I think of the fact that he has gone 50+ years with all this inside, it must have made him feel so alone. I know the one person that did find out about him was his ex wife and she left him. I know I have said things or reacted when he has dressed or wore lingerie that made him feel self conscious, that was never my intention, at the same time he has made so much progress.
Twice now, we have gone for walks with him fully dressed. We have walked by people and said hi, I even got him to try to feminize his voice, still working on that. And yes I am using the “he” pronoun, I asked my husband and he said he preferred the “he”. I hope this article does not offend, or hurt. My full intention was just to show how I have felt through the discovery of my husband being a cross-dresser and how it is ok for him to explore and it is ok for me to be involved but still have strange feelings about it. Communicating and talking and really listening to each other is the most important thing. And for all of those out there thinking about coming out to your wives…. don’t completely dress and wait for her to get home and say “surprise”!!! Sit down and slowly ease her into it, especially with women who have strict religious backgrounds or those who have not had a lot of exposure to this amazing world. Thanks for reading!!!
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