Is crossdressing all about sex? To many you might ask, the answer would be an unequivocal “Yes!” And in the general population, it might also be associated….wrongly…with homosexuals and pedophilia. Hopefully, I don’t need to address that with this audience. Most self-accepting crossdressers will tell you that it is NOT all about “sex” at all…but about the desire to adopt the social role of a female, to experience the inner tranquility and sensitivity of woman, and to display a beauty that has been denied to the male; it is a matter of “gender”…not sex. A newspaper article quoted in a book I am reading states that 3% of all men crossdress regularly. Another 3% occasionally. That would indicate that there is a strong corollary between sex and crossdressing. But is that really true?  
Most crossdressers began crossdressing at a very early age, long before puberty. So while there may have been a “pleasant” sensation, the boy child was not “socially indoctrinated” to associate it with “sex.” However, with the onset of  puberty, those feelings became more and more associated with sexual responses and generally the young male has developed some degree of fetishistic activity involving specific items of female apparel, be it lingerie, nylons, high heels, or foundation garments. This is where many MTF’s find themselves in their teens and twenties. And sex? During these years it is fireworks and earth-rocking!  
Following these years, he will seek out a wife and marry. Oftentimes he feels that with close association with a loving partner and sexual release within the relationship it will permanently take the desire to crossdress away and he will be “cured.” Family obligations with child rearing provide fewer and fewer opportunities to dress. Lack of self-acceptance generally means he will not have shared this side of himself with his wife. These become the years of closet dressing and fetishistic sexual release that give the greatest sense of shame and guilt. For while he “thought” he was going to be cured, the increased availability of his wife’s garments, the additional stresses in his life, and his continuing undercurrent need for dressing only serve to further verify his own feelings of guilt and shame, driving his ability to reach any level of “self-acceptance” further and further away.

By the time he is in his forties, he has reached the conclusion that the dressing is NOT going to go away. He is frustrated with living with the shame and guilt. He is reaching his “middle years” and not only is he still desiring to crossdress, but he is wanting to “expand” beyond the specifics that have consumed him for years and wants to experiment with the sensation of other female clothing items. He may ultimately “come out” to his wife and begin to reach his own level of self-acceptance. But many times this revelation only exacerbates the situation when she realizes that he has “hidden this secret” for so many years. She is confused with his “lack of honesty” and when she ultimately learns that this activity often results in a sexual release, she may openly refuse to have any involvement with what she perceives as his “own mistress.” In a relationship in which the wife his known of his desires all along, or one in which the wife comes to openly accept his dressing, it can now serve to enhance what was likely becoming a rather routine sexual relationship between the two of them. His exhilaration in his own self-acceptance, and her encouragement for this new level of intimacy, can result in a much more creative and satisfying love life. And those sexual fireworks? The earth might not shake, the booms may not reverberate, but the warmth and glow of a winter’s blazing fireplace fills the very soul

Fast forward. The children are gone. The house has a warm, broken-in feel of many years of love and nurturing. And retirement is literally on the doorstep. Suddenly life is taking on new and different meanings. No 4 A.M. alarm clocks. No “dog eat dog” world of politics at the office. Money might be tighter, but a bowl of homemade chicken and noodles is a comfort food that only “she” can make. For sixty years he has been a crossdresser…and whatever that is, he knows deep in his soul that it is a reflection of all that he has emotionally wanted in life. He’ll NEVER “pass” as Britney Spears, nor does he want to any more. But the softer side of his emotions now has a “name.” She has the ability to “be” the nurturing, loving, tender, and yes, tearful if she wants, lady of her most inner dreams. She doesn’t have to “prove” her masculinity any more. And at her side, is the “real” woman of her dreams. One who has accepted the fact that this “person” is so much deeper than she knew 40 years ago. She doesn’t mourn for the loss, but revels in her good choice of spouse who truly wants to emulate the best qualities in womanhood. She knows that “gender” isn’t male or female, but a place in one’s psyche where conflict disappears, and what is truly “in the heart” is wonderful. Dressing is now at it’s purest. No longer is it conflicted with feelings of sexuality to confuse the issue. It is pure, honest, and not besot with “other” emotions. Dressing at this stage has a liberating freedom he has never been able to achieve. And sex? Well, if the idea of someone reaching out for you so you don’t stumble and fall, and know deep within your heart it is “all for you,” gives you a shiver up your spine of just how deep his love is for you…then THIS is the best sex of all! If holding hands while you select prunes at the grocery leaves you “breathless” with the wonder of just how much of life you have shared with him, then THIS is the best sex of all! And if seeing the tear in “her” eye hurting for you makes your heart swell…then THIS is the best sex of all. And you will both know the “wonder of gender” is not sex, but what lives in the heart and is finally free to soar



  1. Wow! I thought I was reading my Biography.
    At 71yrs, I have been out in my marriage last 4 yrs. I had therapy sessions weekly, some my wife and I together. It has done a lot of good in our relationship. We have moved to Seattle area & my 1st session here is Monday.
    I plan to write a book of my life time journey in medicine / surgery, Army retiree, VA Hospital retiree ,professional musician, college Educator & CDER.
    Should be a good read.
    Now, my wife and I are as always, best friends, laughing with the adult kiD’S & grand kids! !
    Enjoy being You! T.J.

  2. Pingback: How the Wives Feel | Library

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